Where do I stand?

I have been thinking over the past few days if to write or not about the issue regarding the documentary made and then banned on the Nirbhaya gang rape. A lot is being written. But I chose not to write coz I felt by writing it I would make it real. I didn't want that.

Probably I was running away from the truth. I still wanted to believe that India as a country and as a society has moved a bit forward. That I, being a modern Indian women who wanted to give back to the society was gaining some respect in the society.

Today while browsing youtube I stumble across the original documentary, India's Daughter : Indian rapist BBC documentary Delhi Nirbhaya full HD 

And as I watched, I felt very insecure. I was not getting scared of being raped...I was insecure about my very existence. 

Who am I?

I tried writing that in the first line of this post but I kept deleting my words. I wrote I was a "Girl", then wrote I was a "Indian Woman", then shifted to "Human". But none of the letter made any word that I was secure with. 

I am a human being and I am of female sex. Yes, I don't have a penis and do have boobs.

But never in my life before have I wrote this about me. I have always wrote I was a film maker. A thinking individual. An artist. One who wants to do for the society. 

But which society? The same society where a lawyer says, "We have a beautiful culture. Woman have no place in this culture."- is the society that I want to work for? 

Or do I belong to the society of that mother who knowing that her son has raped someone so brutally still cries and says that the government forced her son to commit suicide. Or maybe I belong to that wife's society where she refuses to believe that her husband should be given a death penalty for his crime against another woman. She rallies for her husband saying by hanging him the rapes wont stop. She says then the government should kill her and also her son along with her husband. Which society do I belong in?

Worse still I see a rapist sitting and telling that by giving the death punishment, the government was sending a wrong message- now the rapists would surely kill their victims after raping them, earlier they used to ONLY rape them.

Infact there are more choice for me to belong with. I could choose from a society of by standers standing over the writhing naked body of two human beings refusing to help OR the squads of police who stands tall still and says that Delhi is a safe city. India is a safe country. But all options are just..... I don't know the word..... maybe there isn't one for the kind of desolation, isolation and humiliation I feel being India's daughter.

By the time I finished watching the documentary and started writing the blog the video was pulled down. It has been banned in India. But why? Are we so vain in our false notion of our culture that we don't want to see whats going wrong? How can we just sit by seeing our own daughters suffering like this?

I keep fighting with my mom saying that I am in an industry where I can and probably will get late to reach home and I blame my mother for being conservative and orthodox in her view. But which mother won't be scared if this is the country I live in. Where I am not looked upon as a fellow human being but as "food" [That is what the convicted's lawyer called women on roads to be.]. 

I don't know if we are moving forward or are we rolling back! You can call me a feminist and probably I am...but this fight is for all of us...humans....