Empty frames...

Certain things in life define us...for me it was the absence of my father from my life. Then I grew up...became a filmmaker (well not that I am making films now...but I would like to think that I am still one- at least let's just roll with it) So in film school one of my teachers said, all directors have one chocolate- this one story- they just keep wrapping it in different wrappers....and initially it didn't make sense. But on further dwelling I figured it was not that far from the truth. And then I realized my chocolate. Search for a father... I realized in all my stories it's a father-daughter or father-son bond that I dissect. And it was not a shocker. It kind of made me happy in a twisted way. I could give my characters all the happy ending that I wanted but couldn't get or maybe wasn't brave enough to dare. Well...
So, coming back to why I am writing this...
Well, now I am a film school pass out and doing random freelancing and not making films but as they say once a filmmaker always one....so all my stories are locked up in my head. With their characters and dialogues and scenes. When I get frustrated and sad I visit them....play with them. They make me survive because I need to make them. All the daughters in search of their father needs to get home.
Another teacher of mine once said, "It's not that important that you chose to tell a story but have you ever wondered why this particular story chose you...it's your responsibility now to tell it - otherwise this story will never be known." Somehow I took this to heart and from then on I feel responsible for these stories...these characters...their journeys...
Anyways, I keep diverting from the point it seems....but stay with me I am getting there...
The thing with me is that whenever I think of a story I visualize....so the characters need to be given faces...and I gave faces to them...waiting to be captured someday in my frames...
And two of the faces just vanished...Irfan Khan and Rishi Kapoor..... I know I never knew them and its stupid of me probably to even imagine they would be there in my film and probably it's not supposed to be a personal loss but it is.... because two of the fathers died...and two of those daughters won't get to meet them, and they won't get home anymore....and that's the part.....why it feels like I lost someone so close...
When eventually my father died...my life went through a lot of drama but I barely knew him...but for these two I feel like I know them... I feel like I have lived with them for so long...and this feels like losing someone in my family!! But I don't know how to explain it to others...and I have no idea how to pay them respect because I am a no one, and they are LEGENDS!
When my father died I refused to do his last rites because I felt that I was not daughter enough for him. But later I didn't regret but I did feel that he did deserve probably a bit more respect. And I Respect these great actors so much that I have been balling my eyes out...but this pair I don't know how to pay respect...so here I am writing because this is the only thing I can do.
And to both of them...

Sirs,
I wrote scripts just for you...and I framed you in my shot a thousand times in my imaginations and you were always perfect in them.... I am a no one but you both gave me a lot. So thank you....

Where do I stand?

I have been thinking over the past few days if to write or not about the issue regarding the documentary made and then banned on the Nirbhaya gang rape. A lot is being written. But I chose not to write coz I felt by writing it I would make it real. I didn't want that.

Probably I was running away from the truth. I still wanted to believe that India as a country and as a society has moved a bit forward. That I, being a modern Indian women who wanted to give back to the society was gaining some respect in the society.

Today while browsing youtube I stumble across the original documentary, India's Daughter : Indian rapist BBC documentary Delhi Nirbhaya full HD 

And as I watched, I felt very insecure. I was not getting scared of being raped...I was insecure about my very existence. 

Who am I?

I tried writing that in the first line of this post but I kept deleting my words. I wrote I was a "Girl", then wrote I was a "Indian Woman", then shifted to "Human". But none of the letter made any word that I was secure with. 

I am a human being and I am of female sex. Yes, I don't have a penis and do have boobs.

But never in my life before have I wrote this about me. I have always wrote I was a film maker. A thinking individual. An artist. One who wants to do for the society. 

But which society? The same society where a lawyer says, "We have a beautiful culture. Woman have no place in this culture."- is the society that I want to work for? 

Or do I belong to the society of that mother who knowing that her son has raped someone so brutally still cries and says that the government forced her son to commit suicide. Or maybe I belong to that wife's society where she refuses to believe that her husband should be given a death penalty for his crime against another woman. She rallies for her husband saying by hanging him the rapes wont stop. She says then the government should kill her and also her son along with her husband. Which society do I belong in?

Worse still I see a rapist sitting and telling that by giving the death punishment, the government was sending a wrong message- now the rapists would surely kill their victims after raping them, earlier they used to ONLY rape them.

Infact there are more choice for me to belong with. I could choose from a society of by standers standing over the writhing naked body of two human beings refusing to help OR the squads of police who stands tall still and says that Delhi is a safe city. India is a safe country. But all options are just..... I don't know the word..... maybe there isn't one for the kind of desolation, isolation and humiliation I feel being India's daughter.

By the time I finished watching the documentary and started writing the blog the video was pulled down. It has been banned in India. But why? Are we so vain in our false notion of our culture that we don't want to see whats going wrong? How can we just sit by seeing our own daughters suffering like this?

I keep fighting with my mom saying that I am in an industry where I can and probably will get late to reach home and I blame my mother for being conservative and orthodox in her view. But which mother won't be scared if this is the country I live in. Where I am not looked upon as a fellow human being but as "food" [That is what the convicted's lawyer called women on roads to be.]. 

I don't know if we are moving forward or are we rolling back! You can call me a feminist and probably I am...but this fight is for all of us...humans....

Cinderella's satin...

My mother has been a single mom and done a pretty commendable job at that I guess. If Ma reads this statement she might think that I am running a fever or something and can rush with a thermometer inquiring if I had temperature. But jokes apart, she had actually done a commendable job. 

My beautiful Ma

We share a very weird relationship, a bitter sweet, stretchy, probably even a bit brittle- but a strong relationship none the less. We have kind of grown up together. She was working when I was born but she came to her own self along with me. 

I had a tough time growing up. Never really liked the fact that others had both parents while I was stuck with one. But somehow never really blamed her for it. On the contrary, I grew up very fast..somehow always understood her and her limitations.

Ma with white hair. She hates it. I love it.

I remember moving out of my Dadu's house and shifting to Ma's office quarter's for the first time. It was a big day for Ma, her first big step. I remember the kitchen consisted of a kadai, a khunti, a handi, 2 plates and a kerosene stove. Apart from these the only other thing in the flat was a mattress. I loved the mattress, it had mickey mouse drawn all over it. That was OUR first step. She was scared and I knew it but we figured it out together. We survived.

Me and Milky at Salt Lake quarters

I don't know if my mom would agree or not but I was very conscious of her limitations. Very conscious to protect her. She was my mom and I liked being hers. But in the process of growing up with her I somewhere lost my childhood. A lot summers and a lot of winter has passed and Ma and I have had our own share of high and lows. Our relationship had been like a rubber band. We stretch it with our nonsensical baggage but then time bangs us back together. We survive this too.

Few years back for a special event I needed to buy dress material so we went to New Market. Both of us hate shopping (Yes, we are a special lot!), so we just hurry through the process. So walking fast towards the shops, suddenly I realized that my mom was not following me anymore. Knowing her habit of getting stuck at some shop just gazing at something I traced my steps back. Like I expected she was stuck in a shop but strange choice at the kind of shop it was. It was a kids' clothes shop. She was stroking a white Cinderella satin dress with a nostalgic smile. I tried calling her from outside but she was lost in the dress some how. An expectant sales man stood at her tow hoping that she will buy it. The sales man very courteously escorted me in understanding that it was my mother. 

I had no clue why she was in this shop. I elbowed her. She looked up to me as if in daze. I inquired why was she looking at a kid's dress. She smiled. Then stroking the satin folds said, "Remember, you loved this kind of frocks when you were a kid. At that time I didn't have money to buy you such expensive dress but now I have, but look at you- you have grown up." She just looked on at the dress with such innocence. 

There are few moments in life when you want to say a lot of things but words seem to elude you. This was such a moment for me. Never really spoke about this with Ma. But today I choose to write it. Coz by writing I make it real. I make our surviving real. I make us real.

She probably couldn't give me a lot of things and probably she faltered at quite a few steps but what the hell, who doesn't! I am here and I am pretty proud of myself and that's all her work so, she probably couldn't give me Cinderella but she taught me how to reach for my happy ending.

Yes Ma, I have grown up but a white satin Cinderella dress....who cares what age I am.....I would always love it!

What's the point?

Lonely and hurt,

Broken I remain

Residing in hell,

living in pain...

Masked by lies,

I slowly fade away...

The nightmare I live with,

each and every day

The meaning of it all,

to which my mind attends,

Has not one answer

that I fully comprehend...

The bottom of my mind

holds the answers which I call,

I keep reaching towards it

in this never-ending fall...

"Stay strong and keep going,

it's never too late"...

No one seems to realize

that it's not worth the wait

There's no such thing

as help outside of your mind,

It's you against yourself,

with your demons intertwined

It's a battle, hard fought,

but never to be won...

Either way you end up losing

when it's all said and done

"Too late" came and passed...

and, of me, nothing more

I wrote my own ending,

and I shut my own door...

"Live your life to its fullest"

that's what they all said,

But what's the point in trying

when you're already dead?

Marriage Hassles!!

Today three of my friends are getting married. Am I happy for them? Hell yeah! I am so damn happy! But the moment someone hears it, the next statement that stumbles out of their mouth is, "Now get yourself a husband too..." OMG! No!

I am happy for all the people getting married but that doesn't mean that I want to right now. More over, married to whom? There should be a person that I want to get married to, right! But no, the Indian society supposedly doesn't work that way. "You are of age"- they say. What age? People start their career at 40. What age!

An Indian household goes through a complete change once the daughter of the household steps on to her twenties. Suddenly the "oh so independent" parents, who have till then supported and rooted for their daughter's equality and position in life, suddenly turns and starts stressing more on how it is important to have some one else to take care. Why do we need someone else to take care, we are capable. You have brought us up to be independent then why can't we take care of ourselves if we want to?

And God forbid if by chance you have stepped to the dangerous age of above 26! To top that up you say that you are busy with or perhaps still settling your career! O my poor friend you have invited trouble. Suddenly the same parents and well wishers who were praising you for being so keen on having a career suddenly shift stands and says ". But career isn't everything!" But what I fail to understand is that who is saying career is everything here? I am not. But it is important to me and I want it to be important too. And another question, is marriage then everything? What's the harm in being single till you find the right person!

Right person- now this is a term which has become a joke for me since my mother had started looking for grooms for me from the different matrimonial sites! Everybody claims that He is the right person. The write ups are hilarious! First of all bongs who are not fluent in English trying to write about themselves in English make hell of a laughing stock. 

This profile belongs to a guy who has a Phd degree and then says the last line.
"THOSE WHO ARE SERIOUS GIVE ME A TOUCH........."

It becomes hilarious to even go through the profiles. But one thing that hit me very hard during the initial days of this ridiculous thing was the fact that how still society looks at women.

I being a modern girl and being brought up in an urban setup thought the society have changed a bit at least but I was proven completely wrong once I started going through the profiles and the column where they write what they desire in a bride. Somehow the words that kept recurring were "Homely, conventional, beautiful, fair." Is that all society looks for in a woman. If I seriously posses these few traits would I be a perfect human being? It was very demoralizing to think, where I was working my ass to get a proper place in this society, this society thought and expected so less from me!

More irritating perhaps are the friends who completely go through a marriage mental shift. The moment they land up married suddenly they gain all knowledge of the world and starts pestering you to get married too. Why?! It was only few months back that even they were complaining about their parents pestering them to get married!

I am on the verge of thirty and I have nothing against getting married. I want to get married. To a person I am in love with. With whom I feel I want to spend my life with. Not with some random guy that I don't know. And if this society doesn't accept me this way....well they can go F@*k themselves!

It's not over...it never will be

Lensing and Lighting workshop WITHOUT Tanmay Agarwal

When this sem started we were given a schedule. It was a difficult schedule. Back to back workshops were lined up. We were excited. In the big list somewhere in the middle was the "Lensing and Lighting Workshop". We presumed we were going to learn about lights and lenses. Then came Tanmay Sir and we got wrapped up in a magic created by him. We learned not only lensing and lighting we learned to be a film maker. He took us to a level where films were not merely a camera pointed at subjects and text book correct set of rules to follow; it became the magical experience it is supposed to be. He pushed us and pushed us so hard.....we stumbled but he would pick us up again and still make us go some more. He trusted us.

Sir doesn't like when we go on and on about how we like the workshop or subjectively describe it. He wants actualities. But today, I would go a little beyond that. 

Last three days were the shoot for Hari, Sreecheta and Mainak. I just want to repeat what ever was said in the begining when they walked out of the workshop. "They just didn't get IT". We seven have gone through a curve and the changes were right in the face....we have practically changed our life style up and down. Right now I am sitting in my room alone and instead of doing facebook or chatting with random people, I am actually writing the blog, not because it is a homework or not because Sir had asked me to. I am writing this blog because it gives me a sense of happiness...perhaps a sense of being me.

They way they shot was so different from what we have imbibed in us through this workshop that it as a huge jerk(rightly put by Sumana). They still thought it was about getting their work complete. They still didn't give space to actors to get themselves in a zone. Still there is no trust or sync among the crew. And lighting and lensing......well.......I can't really comment on that.

It started with Ground Rules but Sir always wanted to set us free, free from our own demons. It has been a hell of a journey. A journey so great that it does not seem like just 2 weeks. Today Sir leaves but does the journey continue? YES. It's bigger than the resounding yes that I voiced when I said that I trusted him and I am so happy that this time I know that there will be six more voices echoing it.

It would be a great challenge to exercise all that we have learned and retain the things but what the hell, I am sure we can do it!

There was a big fuss about the fact that Sir had asked us to salute him. It was compared to anarchy, fascism and what not. But today I salute Sir from the depth of my heart. For making Himel find friends. For Sumana and Ashok grow. For making JJ patient. For making Hindol believe. For making Kirti open up. For making me close to myself.

Thank you Tanmay Sir!

Final Curtain Call

Lensing and Lighting workshop with Tanmay Agarwal

Day 15

It was Kirti's shoot. I was doing the camera. So, the night before the shoot we sat together to discuss the script. But where was the script! Kirti had a script which now she found cliched. So we sat there brain storming and coming up with numerous ideas. But the moment we sat down for the action or shots all seemed like TV serials. After a point I realised this whole attempt to come up with something new at the last moment was futile, so I advised her to work on the ready script. So, it was already 2:30 pm when I left Kirti in her room to ponder about the script she kind of not liked any more.

Morning got some senses. I got up to find Kirti's message telling me to meet to discuss the shots. We met. As we went through the story we fell into a sync. Sir states it right when he says that mutual trust can overcome a lot of things. We went to the floor and started working. 

I am not one of the best ones to do camera but somehow, Kirti knew I would do my best to get what she wanted and somehow I too knew that I would actually push my boundaries to deliver her vision. Not only both of us, everyone else too were in sync. There was a certain degree of peace on set. We didn't have to talk much. Hindol was helping me with lights, and say something I didn't like in frame, I just had turn and look and somehow magically he would understand. Kirti just had to say, "But Soumee..." and I would understand her point. In bengali there is a saying which goes like, "Bissas e miloe bostu torke bahu dur"- meaning if you trust completely you will find a lot of positive things but if you keep doubting and bickering you will reach no where. TRUST is not just a five letter word I believe. I think it's the one word that can transform you and the people around you.

We chose our lens and started taking our shots. We were shooting on 18mm on P2. We had to re create the morning light, but we did not have access to the schemers. So Hindol tried bouncing the light (1k) from the walls and also used thermocol to bounce the light. I wanted a patch of light coming from the window and for that Hindol arranged for a 1k outside the window and used gateway paper and barn door to get what was necessary. We also used the china bulb for fill. JJ did a commendable job with the boom. It was a complete well oiled machinery.

Sumana and Ashok were acting. Kirti did a very good job of handling the actors. She not only guided them to their zones but also took care of them. Himel was second in command, even he took real good care of our needs like water, coffee and smokes. We broke for a quick lunch.

Only one major shot was left and it was a track shot. We took some time to get the tracks set. I was sure about what Kirti and I wanted out of the shot and why we were going for the shot but I was not so clear about the movement. We were going for trolley as we wanted us to move from Sumana's space to Ashok's space along with Sumana. But magic was not happening. I was in a bit of a fix. Sir intervened and said that why don't I try a reverse trolley. I was a bit apprehensive that it might create a jerk but once I tried it out I realized that this movement was better in leaps and bound from the movemnet we had been breaking our heads upon.

It was a difficult shot, there was trolley movement, character movement, pan tilt and then reverse movement too. A lot of co-ordination between me, the key grip(Himel) and actors. But Himel did a very nice job.

The shoot got over before time. We packed up. The last shoot was over. From the next day Hari, Sreecheta and Mainak would be shooting. We were skeptical about our involvements.We were kind of sad too that the workshop was ending. We did not disperse. We sat in CRT to watch Tanmay Sir's film "Chal Chaliye..."

Chal Chaliye had everything that Sir speaks about. Organic nature of acting till the use of close ups. The beautiful use of spaces. What I liked most was how he dealt with 3 timelines and mixed them.

We went to Sir's room. Subhodro Da was also there and he rightly pointed that our hands were missing a can of beer. JJ and Ashok readily agreed to fetch them. This was a kind of wrap up party. But somehow none of us wanted it wrapped up.

Subhodro Da spoke a lot. He spoke of Unseen Images. He said that the films are made by the unseen images. But we as film makers tends to concentrate only on the seen images, but more of our concentration should go to the unseen images as that is what the audiences would construct in their head to build up the story. Subhodro Da had spoken about this earlier too during our exercises but never have I understood it so well. He had said that start late finish early. Same thing - creating the Unseen Images.  

He also spoke how recent generation of student have a lack of original ideas. He pointed out that perhaps because we know our technique a bit, we know that no matter how cliched the subject we would be able to pull it through thus the hunger for something original and innovative has decreased. To this Tanmay Sir added that we all should do an exercise. We should take our scripts, and strike out each line which is a cliche. If we do that we would understand where we stand.

Subhodro Da delved into another level when he said that we cannot do away with cliches. But we have to find an unique way to show it. It's the mix of these two which would create magic.

Personal take away:

After a very long time in my life, today at floor I really felt I belonged somewhere. That I was a part of a team where if anything happens to anyone people would genuinely care and not fake it. And what irony, a by teaching us how to be a professional Tanmay Sir had some how taught us how to get personal peace.